My sir has suddenly done a 180 on me and I’m very scared. He used to consider my opinions and treat me as his girlfriend and his sub. Now I’m just a sub. He wants to decide how I dress, how my hair should be cut, what I eat and who I talk to. I loved being owned but now I feel trapped. He also has been ignoring safe words and forcing me to do things in my hard limits and my red zone. I love him but I just don’t know what to do. Sorry to bother you, I just don’t know what to do

toodomforyou:

Anon-
I’m not going to mince words: leave him ASAP.

Abusive people are able to get away with being abusive people because they usually aren’t abusive right off the bat. They sucker us in with kindness and honeyed words. They make sure we see the best in them and believe that about them before they show us their worst. It’s classic abusive behavior.

I know you love him. We often do love our abusive partners. Our brains focus on the positive things they used to do, or even things that they may still do, and filter out the negatives. You convince yourself that staying is better than the alternative.

It isn’t.

I don’t know any other way to say it than this: you are in danger and you need to leave.

Sudden drastic changes in behavior like this are signs that your dom isn’t stable or trustworthy, and he is abusing you and raping you by ignoring your withdrawal of consent in the form of a safeword. This is a dangerous situation and the longer you stay, the worse it is likely to get.

Find a trusted friend, a family member, even a shelter that can give you a place to go. Just don’t be there anymore. Please.

My personal blog is lovemysub.tumblr.com and if you need to talk this out I urge you to message me there, it will be 100% confidential. But please whatever you do, don’t stay with this guy and let him put you in harm’s way.

Sending love and light your way, anon. Let me know if I can help in any way.

-LMS

I’m learning so I have no personal experience, but I came up with a strategy working through it in my own mind which I thought might be useful for other subs to acclimate to safewording easily – get used to calling “yellow” frequently. There’s a lot of pressure when it feels like you’re making an all-or-nothing choice. It’s much easier to say “This is the max I can take,” or “I need this to slow down/ease up.” If after the Dom does that you still feel distressed, you can always call “red” after.

instructor144:

I completely agree with this. There is a tendency – and I am as guilty of this as the next person – to write about this stuff as if it is a binary On/Off switch: Safeword is invoked. Scene ends. Aftercare ensues. Real scenes aren’t like that. I should get better about working that into the things I write about safeword, since in the real world I always put a big emphasis on using “Yellow” frequently. For precisely the reasons you outline, especially that pressure re: safewords. Safewords are freighted with a lot of psychological and emotional baggage for submissives; my piece “The Safeword Minefield” gets into that baggage at length.

Submissives: use “Yellow” in any of the situations this Anon describes, or any situation where you’re in distress but don’t feel it’s a scene-stopper.

Dominants: when your submissive Yellows: Stop. Communicate. Regroup. Take a breather. Then determine as a team how and when to continue. 

Sometimes I get carried away.

femsubdenial:

crimson-uncovered:

BB and I talk about all the hot things we do before we do them, but sometimes I suggest or agree to something I’m not ready for. I get excited at the thought, and then I get impatient, and then I start planning the logistics of doing the thing, and then reality sets in and I realize… no. I don’t want to do that yet. I want to work up to it.

BB is never disappointed or mad or annoyed that I’ve backtracked and don’t actually want to do the thing we just spent 10 minutes discussing in smoking hot detail. Instead he says “sure, that’s 110% fine by me” and reminds me that we’re going on my timeline and that my consent matters above all else. No pressure, ever.

And that’s why he gets to own me.

THIS is the difference between being dominant and domineering.

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