This question is kinda bumming me out because they are equating ‘honoring consent’ with ‘a person has to always want to do <thing>.’ Now, in terms of sexy times, especially *vanilla* sexy times, those two things are synonymous. And @instructor144‘s answer certainly covers the practical reality of most D/s relationships in terms of life circumstances (mental or physical illness flare up happening or coming on/social obligation stacking up/emotional life events happening). Frankly, I can’t imagine any ethical dominant not letting protocol/rules/etc. slide, and especially expecting ‘play’ or sex to happen when one of those things is going on from outside the relationship for their submissive. With respect to play and sex, I’ve not had any contact with a dominant that didn’t seek and get turned on by *enthusiastic* consent; some of them (including my Sir) will even vocally demand it. (Tell me what you want…you want <this thing I’m doing to you> don’t you?)
And vice versa. Dominants’ consent matters too. I don’t want Sir ‘performing’ for me when He’s not wanting sex or play. As a submissive, there’s scarcely a worse feeling than that your dominant is going through motions just for you with sex and play. For me, personally, it sucks most, if not all of the pleasure out of the acts for me. I’m sure it’s why punishment spankings feel *bad* and fun/sexy spankings feel *good* for many submissives. He wouldn’t want to give me punishment. It’d be something He had to do, because it was part of an agreement we made (that I at least chose and probably asked for), and as a submissive, the feeling that He’s doing something He has to, and doesn’t want to, for me is the part of the punishment that would sting. That’s Him consenting to something He doesn’t want to do. Honestly.
But even in life in general, totally removed from D/s, as far as doing something we don’t want to do because ‘we’re just not feeling it,’ not honoring consent? I find that ridiculous. Because in life in general, virtually all adult humans with a conscience and sense of empathy and duty to any other person/people consent to things they ‘don’t want to do’ ALL THE TIME. Even dominants (maybe *especially* dominants).
I mean, who WANTS to wash dishes? Who WANTS to change diapers? Hell, who WANTS to go to work every day? Eat asparagus instead of chocolate donuts? I get the joy of accomplishment out of domestic service, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t *rather* have the dishes magically clean themselves so I could read more books and watch The Great British Baking Show and pet my dog. I mean, yes, some people (like my Sir) enjoy changing the oil on their motorcycle, but they’d still *rather* be riding it down some winding country road. Without the oil change, though…the bike breaks down. Now it can’t be ridden anymore. At least not without even MORE work no one *wants* to do. Is the motorcycle violating Sir’s consent by demanding the oil change for maintenance before He can ride it? Are the dishes violating my consent by demanding to be done before drawing ants because I don’t want to do them? I don’t think so.
While I certainly a million percent believe and advocate that consent is a bedrock concept in D/s (and should be in all of life, not just D/s, romantic/sexual relationships, etc.), I don’t think doing things you don’t want to do is a violation of the concept of consent in general. Responsible, caring, forward thinking people choose to do a lot of things they don’t want to do for themselves and other people on a daily basis. It’s putting in the work for a relationship, a family, a community, for yourself and all the things you care about to work properly.
Submitting (or Dominating) when ‘you aren’t feeling it,’ isn’t dishonoring consent. It’s honoring responsibility.Damn. This. ☝️☝️☝️
There’s a quote bouncing around somewhere on my blog from another blogger: “Submission isn’t just when I want to. Submission begins when I don’t want to.” I firmly believe in that sentiment; neither person, on both sides of the flash, gets to submit/Dominate only when they’re “feeling it.” You signed up for this, the fact that you “don’t want to” on a particular day is no excuse. Somewhere out there I have a piece, “I’m not feeling it,” that delves into this in detail. I’ve dealt with “I don’t want to today” and “I’m not feeling it today” a couple of times over the years, and hearing that is one of the very few things that makes me deeply, genuinely angry. It reflects, for lack of a better description, a shitty work ethic.
Now, there are going to be times when force of circumstances (not “I don’t want to”) will make some aspect of your submission impossible to do. It happens. Let’s use as an example a day that’s so insanely stressful that you absolutely know you’re going to screw up your protocol at various points during the day. In such a situation, there is a right way and a wrong way to handle it.
Right way: “With respect, may I be excused from my protocol today? I’ve got X going on and I just know I’m going to make a mess of my protocol and disappoint you.”
Wrong way: you just don’t do your protocol that day.
See the difference? In the first situation, which preserves the power exchange, I’d almost certainly give permission for the girl to stand down from protocol for the day, with the understanding that her ass damn well better be back on protocol when she wakes up the next day. In the second situation, I’d note the behavior, tell her to explain herself, and, if the explanation was even remotely along the lines of “I don’t want to today” or “I’m not feeling it today,” she’d be flirting with getting fired.
I mean, who WANTS to wash dishes? Who WANTS to change diapers? Hell, who WANTS to go to work every day? Eat asparagus instead of chocolate donuts? I get the joy of accomplishment out of domestic service, but I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t *rather* have the dishes magically clean themselves so I could read more books and watch The Great British Baking Show and pet my dog
What I WANT to do is often quite different from what I NEED to do.
And what I NEED to do is to uphold my end of our dynamic together. It just doesn’t work otherwise! That necessitates doing things I don’t like, sometimes things I hate. But just because I don’t ENJOY them doesn’t mean I didn’t CONSENT to them ffs.
Is this what tumblr is teaching kids these days? That if you didn’t LIKE something it automatically violated your consent? Because if so… ya’ll REALLY need to learn how to Adult.
All of this, but especially that last paragraph. ^^ In a world where people seem to think they should get a medal just for showing up, D/s relationships are one of the few remaining bastions where you only get a medal for putting in the work. Even when you don’t particularly feel like it. Especially when you don’t particularly feel like it.
Sigh….
Love/Dominance/submission isn’t a “feeling.” Feelings are nothing more than a neurochemical storm. Any idiot can feel anything. Feelings are neither right nor wrong, they just ARE. And most of them are fleeting at best. (Which is why people do drugs, drink, and I go to the bakery – to get a new feeling.)
Love/Dominance/submission is an ACT of the will. It is willing yourself to do what is necessary. If love someone, your ACTIONS show it. If you Dominate someone, your ACTIONS show it. If you submit to someone, your ACTIONS show it.
Consenting to marriage, consenting to parenting, consenting to employment, consenting to D/s doesn’t mean you get to say “I don’t feel like it today.”
“IT” is slang for LIVING UP TO MY COMMITMENT!!!!
What a great discussion thread!
- Comment
- Reblog
-
Subscribe
Subscribed
Already have a WordPress.com account? Log in now.
SubbyLittleKitten 