Power & Control

thekinkychristian:

amysubmits:

We went out to dinner with my family, which is rather large. We picked out a table with my sister and her family while we waited for the rest of our group to arrive. We took seats. As more people filed in @cynicaldom realizes we will be short on chairs. He brings one from an empty table, puts it next to me, and tells me to move into that chair. I don’t understand why he wants me to, but I move. He gets more chairs that he places in other places around our table. He sits down next to me, leaving me between him and my sister with no spaces. 

“[stepdad] is probably going to sit there” he says in reference to the chair on the opposite side of him. It sinks in. He’s being a barrier for me so that I don’t have to be next to my stepdad. My insides turn to mush. He melts me without even trying to. 

I look around the table. There are still several open spots so it’s interesting to me that CD is predicting that my stepdad will sit near us. Yet when he arrives, he does pick that exact chair. 

It reminds me of discussions that CD and I have had about my stepdad before. How he seems drawn to me more so than my other siblings. There has never been an argument, and I’ve never even told him that I dislike him. Yet everyone seems to know.

I moved out of my mother’s house at 15 to get away from him. My siblings are not his biggest fans, but they all like him at least a little more than I do. CD and I both suspect that this is why he is drawn to me. Growing up I noticed that he would hang around to “compliment” cashiers or waitresses on inappropriate things such as their “lovely shape” or the design on the back of their jean pockets. I couldn’t count how many times he’s said “Do you ever get told you look like an actress? Gosh, I can’t think of her name right now but you are a dead ringer for her!”  He goes after ones who appeared shy, nervous or disinterested to begin with, and then they clearly become more uncomfortable but he just gets more eager to continue the interaction instead of backing off. He feeds off of the discomfort he causes them. For women he knows it can be almost anything. “I had a dream about you the other night.” is a common go-to, but he’ll comment about your lip-gloss, your perfume, or he’ll ask every other time he sees you if you got a hair cut (No, I didn’t, AGAIN) and then stroke your hair until you step away. He comments on how soft your sweater looks and will use it as an excuse to rub your shoulders. He likes the girls who he can use discomfort to push and bend, who will duck or step to the side instead of exploding on him. And that’s the kind of girl that I am. I’m not proud of that inclination. I know it would be better to be bolder, at least with people like that, and I try to be when needed. Once I realized that not speaking up makes me easy prey to certain people, I’ve tried to force myself to speak up more. But when I was younger, I was always silent.  

I told CD about my stepdad before we were even dating. CD is certainly not the type to pick a fight, and I’ve always known that. However, I remember expecting my stepdad to go too far with me, and for CD to say something at some point. I knew CD wouldn’t let me be disrespected in front of him. So, I was kind of shocked when it never happened, but years later my stepdad has never said anything inappropriate to me in front of CD. It’s incredible because for years prior to CD, he would say something to make me uncomfortable every single time he saw me. CD never said anything to my stepdad, just his presence in my life altered my stepdads behavior towards me. 

Back then, it was such a huge relief to suddenly be able to spend time with my mom and my siblings without feeling like he could make me uncomfortable at any moment. I was so grateful that CD didn’t see this as a burden and gladly just came with me to family functions. 

Occasionally I hear of dominance described as people who feel comfortable with power and control. That description makes me a little uncomfortable sometimes, even though I do think those are common dominant traits. I use those words often when talking about dominance, too. I’ve realized that it’s incredibly important to distinguish between someone who thinks they need control, and is desperate for it, vs a person who gladly accepts power and control that is freely handed to him, and who understands the responsibilities that come with holding it. The former is simply power hungry, while the latter has the potential to be a dominant. 

It’s clear to me that my stepdad enjoys control. He likes to see women squirm and feel uncomfortable, because it shows him the power that he can have over a stranger. On rare occasion when he’s picked the wrong woman who does speak up to him, he will act truly shocked at their response. As if he had the right to make them uncomfortable and get no flack in return. He feels that he is entitled to power and control, as if he needs it, and he feels shorted when he doesn’t get it. 

My stepdads desire for power and control at any cost is so visible. It practically leaks from his pores. It’s desperate, and he wishes to have power over everyone, even strangers. CD enjoys power and control too, but it’s primarily within our relationship. If others want him to, he is comfortable leading in social situations too – but he doesn’t assume he’ll lead everything. He doesn’t expect it, or get twitchy and feel shorted if someone else takes a leadership role. He doesn’t set out to snatch every bit of power and control that he can from anyone he meets. 

The control that CD has over me is somewhat visible. A careful eye could spot hints of our D/s in our restaurant interactions. But a little ironically, the control that I CD has is more subtle than the desire for control that my stepdad feels. 

You may only find it in the way that he scopes out a table for us, or in this case, created a social barrier for me. Or in how I defer to him. How I let him know I plan to ask for a drink refill, or how I will be leaving for the restroom. You may see me lean in and whisper too softly for anyone else to hear, and see his nod before I order alcohol. If we’re out with another couple and the woman says “Can you guys make it to our party next Saturday?” and looks at me expecting an answer, you’ll see me glance at CD and wait for a nod before agreeing to attend. He’ll sign the receipt and pay the bill. He’ll announce “Get your jacket back on, we’re going to leave soon.” He’ll take my hand and guide me out the door as we leave. 

He happily leads me, but only because I happily follow. And I happily follow because he always considers his impact on me. 

I love this so much