“Why?”

instructor144:

amysubmits:

instructor144:

An exchange with a Follower got me thinking about something that seems to be worth talking about this evening: Doms explaining themselves, and why I think it’s a good thing ….

First of all, I need to say: I’m an explainer. (I’ve been told more than once that I sometimes overexplain, but whatever …) When I impose a rule or a protocol or a recurring task, I tend to explain the rationale behind it. To be clear, I don’t necessarily have to explain my decisions, but I find that I get a better quality dynamic (and thus, a better quality submissive) if I do. Some reasons …

By explaining the reasons behind your decisions, you are engaging your submissive’s brain in the process. You’ve given their brains something to chew on, always a good thing with the typical busy, noisy submissive brain.

You get their buy-in. A submissive can only hear “because I said so” so many times before a certain subliminal resentment starts to build. Submissives are generally hard working little rascals, but like any hard worker, they want to know that their efforts make sense and they are making a contribution. 

You reinforce the fact that you are always operating from an overarching plan, not just randomly spewing out orders because some passing fancy moves you to do so. I can’t count how many times I’ve told someone “There is always a method to my madness.” It comforts the submissive brain when they understand the method.

Explaining what’s going on plays into the important “grooming” and “mentoring” aspects of a D/s relationship. Even with a seasoned submissive who has quite a bit of lived experience, an important part of your charge is to help them to flourish and rise to be the best submissive for you that they can be. Knowledge and understanding help them to do that.

Lastly, but most importantly, it shows this simple thing called “respect.” Respect for their intelligence, and respect for their willingness to submit in an informed way. You do respect your submissive, yes? 

Now, I am picturing a lot of my Dom Followers getting all Domly with their bad selves and thumping their chests roaring “Because I said so is good enough!!” Calm your tits, boys (and girls). Spare me the bluster and the posturing, I’ve heard it all before and it bores me. As I preach ad nauseam, a D/s relationship is first and foremost a relationship. There are two people in the relationship. You are partners. Now, that being said, as the dynamic evolves and your submissive comes to see the wisdom inherent in your decisions (because early on you’ve explained the reasons for them), they will breathe that deep sigh of relief and fall into that warm place of trust where “Because I said so” not only won’t alarm them, it will make them feel safe and protected and loved.

Yesssssssss all of this. 

Understanding why my Dom leads the way he does helps me to find greater peace in submitting to his leadership. I can see that he thought it through carefully and why he chose the way he did. It helps me to trust him even more when I see he makes calculated decisions instead of impulsive ones. 

My Dom does the “because I said so.” but on very rare occasion. It’s when he knows I already know his reasons and am questioning further as a way of not complying. Or as a way of whining. For us, “because I said so.” is a harsh warning that I’m out of line and need to get myself back in line, or he will.

Anytime I am genuinely confused or don’t understand his reasons, he gives me a real answer if I request one. Sometimes he explains himself and I point out things that he didn’t see or consider, and I change his mind, even! Dom’s are humans too. Occasionally mine misses minor details or forgets things. If I suspect he has missed something that may alter his decision, I just ask him. So he listens to me, and then he still makes the final call. 

All of this ^^^ Including being amenable to reason, and changing one’s mind based on input from one’s submissive. I’ve done it many times.